my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
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