also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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