i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
