Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
