If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Randomize
