i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
