I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
i believe in u and ur pee
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
