Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Randomize
