Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
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