two words: eviction party
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
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