I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
