She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Randomize
