Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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