you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
