WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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