At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
