I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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