Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
