i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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