So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize