I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
