Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Randomize
