You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize
