she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize