The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Randomize
