I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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