remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
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