So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Where are you?
In a non slutty way
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Randomize
