just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
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