my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
