I want you more than these girls want KFC
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
