i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize