God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
