So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Randomize
