What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
