Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
