I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
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