I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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