I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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