Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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