Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
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