Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Come share oat with me in your robe
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
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