Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
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