I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
