There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
