I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Randomize
