dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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