yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
