You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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