I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
