I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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