one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Randomize