i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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