even my farts smell like vagina
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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