Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
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