There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
You were trust falling into bushes
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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