HIV tests are more positive than that guy
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Randomize
