Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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