just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
