I wish I could teleport
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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