I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
