bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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