besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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