She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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